College Ruled (Dear Diary)

"Dear Diary, Isn't this neat? It's like having real paper but I didn't kill trees. Don't tell the peasants tilling my land though. They might revolt! In all seriousness though I've been deleting what I've been writing for the last hour. it seems that I can't handwrite personal things on imaginary paper. I mean, I can probably type about how being a fluffer in the porn industry can be both a pleasing and awful job, but I can't physically write it. It's like my hands are embarrassed about it. It seems that my right hand has a filter. Who knew? Sexily yours, -Paulo"
“Dear Diary,
Isn’t this neat? It’s like having real paper but I didn’t kill trees. Don’t tell the peasants tilling my land though. They might revolt!
In all seriousness though I’ve been deleting what I’ve been writing for the last hour. it seems that I can’t handwrite personal things on imaginary paper. I mean, I can probably type about how being a fluffer in the porn industry can be both a pleasing and awful job, but I can’t physically write it. It’s like my hands are embarrassed about it. It seems that my right hand has a filter. Who knew?
Sexily yours,
-Paulo”

Fun Fact, when searching for college-ruled paper pictures on google, I found out that College Rules is a porn website. I think I’m done with the Internet for today.

New project.

I’m taking a class about media, and we’re describing how different forms of media are converging into one nowadays, blurring the lines and boundaries that separated them.

For example,

“I watched a That 70s Show on Netflix today.”

Let’s dissect this statement. “I watched That 70s Show” on its own is quite normal. Everyone has seen it on TV, and if not, everyone has seen a show on TV. That’s what makes it a TV Show. It is a show first broadcasted to the public through television.

But it’s the second part of the statement that changes everything. “… on Netflix…” You know, Netflix. The website/service/company that provides people access to shows and movies by streaming it onto their device, whether its a phone, computer or internet-connected TVs. That means I can watch a TV show on a computer.

Did you read that last part?

“Watch a TV show on a computer.”

When was the first time that we could have actually said that? My guess is probably between 15-20 years ago. That is such a short amount of time if you really think about it, at least when compared to the age movies and TV.

We just combined something that we used to only do with a television, and made it acceptable for computers to do it too.

But it’s the last part of the statement in that example that changes everything. “…today.” As in within 24 hours since midnight last night had started. I watched a show on a new medium when I wanted to.  I still remember waiting for episodes of Spongebob, new or reruns, every afternoon at 5PM, because that was the only time I could watch Spongebob. Now I can just go on Youtube, type in Spongebob, and almost all of the episodes are available. Granted, they’re all the “Speedy” versions just so they wont get deleted, but still, that’s better than waiting for the show on the same day every single afternoon.

In this world of ours, media is always on demand. Abilities of services to provide us with what we watch to watch is a defining factor of whether some consumers would want to use that service (I’m talking about most streaming sites, let’s be real). No longer are TV shows bound by the physical and metaphorical constraints of television. A medium no longer has to abide to rules dictating when and where they can be shown to the public. What, you want to watch a football game on the quad through projectors? Go right ahead, no one is stopping you. Except for the NFL, and the sun, so you gotta do when it’s dark and when the NFL can’t sue you for using their material without permission.

I feel like doing something creative now that I’m armed with this knowledge. I want to delve into it deeper. That’s why I’m doing diary entries and posting them on social media. I’ll see if I can do it once a day. I’ll write a diary entry using a smart pen and Paint, and post it. Two mediums are being fused: the diary, usually written on a journal with ink and paper, and the computer. More specifically, it is the social media site that melds together with the ink and paper system of the diary.

Not sure what’s gonna happen. I just wanna see if I can find something profound about the mixing of these two things. And maybe I’ll learn something about me.

Two weeks after the break up

I’m single again. It’s been a couple of weeks. I really just wanted to move on; to let it all just fade into the background.

But he doesn’t want it to go away. Every single day, he’d send a text or a message on Facebook about how he misses me. I try to think that I’m a nice person, and that I can be civil with anyone that I end up with in a relationship.

But he doesn’t just reminisce about our relationship. He also blames me for the break up. He’s been sending me advice on what to do on my next one. You know, some passive-aggressive constructive criticism; the exact set of incisive words that I need to hear about how I fucked up the relationship.

In a way, he’s got a point. I didn’t feel anything for him, but he did. In fact, he said the words “I love you” to me two weeks into the relationship. But I tried. I really did. I tried to fall in love, but I can’t just say it without meaning it. I wanted to break up a while ago, back in January (You all saw that blog post), because I didn’t feel anything for this man. But I chose to go back, because I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I can’t tell him this, but my only regret is that I got back together with him after that first break up.

And so the messages poured in. Every single day. I miss hanging out with my best friend. You should be more vocal about your feelings. I wish we could play video games again. I loved you but you never even loved me back.

I usually just ignore it when he sends these kinds of messages. He would ask questions about my day and we can usually hold a conversation. But it ends up like this again and I would go silent. And the cycle would continue.

Then he sent this to me tonight on Facebook.

“I’m just hurt more than anything. I wasn’t worth it to you. It cuts so deep.”

Nothing special. Nothing groundbreaking. It was the “I’m just hurt more than anything” part that got me. So I had to finally address it.

“Okay, this is getting out of hand. You are no longer allowed to talk to me about our relationship. I am asking you to formally terminate this kind of action between the two of us. You can talk to others about it. I don’t care. You can plaster it outside a building. I don’t care. I do not care as long as it’s not with me. Break this request and we will never talk again. I’m trying to be civil, but you’re not giving me any choice. Please. I’m begging you, stop complaining about us to me. It’s gonna drive me insane.

I can’t believe that I’m even saying this to anyone.

I have never met anyone who complains about every single little thing. You make every single problem look like they’re gonna beat the shit out of you. And when you do that hundreds of times every single day of the week, it loses its weight. At this point, you complaining about our relationship has the same priority as not getting the right cereal for breakfast or a professor being a dick to his students.

They’re all the same.

They’re all awful.

They’re all terrible.

We’ve talked about this before. This isn’t even the first time you’re hearing this from me. This is why I’m sick of it all.

Sucks for you, who is basically set for life, who the army pays to go to college for another degree to add to his other Bachelors and Masters degree collection, who gets to sit in his car and the army still pays him, who is tall and hot and sexy and beautiful, and smart and diligent and hardworking, and nice and passionate and loving.

And I’m right here, looking at this beautiful man, thinking about just how ugly he looks at the world. Have you no empathy?

I knew I couldn’t live with you, because you complained about things that I had no time to complain about.

I couldn’t do that to myself.

So yeah, it was selfish of me to break up with you, but I would rather be the enemy here than live two or three years of my life regretting the choice that I made.

I mean, that’s not even what set me off, you chose a fuck buddy over me just because I was doing school work. I wanted to break up with you because you didn’t respect me. Let’s not forget about that gem.

So I just wanted to clear that up.

Please. No more of this kind of talk. I’m done.”

It’s been two hours since I sent it to him. No answer. I’m kinda wishing he never replies back.

I think I’m done with men for a while.

240 pounds

The ideal weight for a 5’4 adult man is 139. I’m 100 pounds overweight. Today I reached a milestone.

You know what’s funny? When school started in September, I was only 200 lbs. I gained 30 lbs alone during winter break. And all spring semester I could barely cross campus without my feet hurting or getting winded. It’s sad.

But you know what’s sadder? Nothing’s gonna change.

No, it’s not like I’m not going to do something about it. Today I’m rowing a 5k on the erg, and probably a little more than that. And I plan to do that every time I’m on campus.

But that’s not enough. Oh no. Two summers ago, I stayed at 200 lbs after I worked out 6 times a week for 4 months. No, I did not lift. I biked 7 miles on the machines, plus 1 hour run on the treadmill. You know what it got me?

Nothing.

Then yesterday, I read that skipping meals will make you gain belly fat. I mean, I knew skipping breakfast was bad, but it makes you gain weight? Not eating makes you gain weight? Why is the world turning upside down?

I became fat when I was 10, right as I got here in the US. I’m now almost 25. I’ve been fat for more than half of the time that I’ve lived on this world. This isn’t making me feel any better.

IN all seriousness though, I messed up. Once I started dating in September, I kinda just gave up on how I looked. What’s 30-40 more pounds when you love each other, right? But that was an awful way to think about it. I should always put my best foot forward when it comes to my health, specially with my family’s history with diabetes.

It was already tough to lose weight when I was at 200 lbs. Now it’s gonna get even worse.

Coaching

I’m already writing up the workout schedule for next semester. I’m digging through my memories for drills that we did when I learned how to row. I’m scouring the internet for more tips and learn as much as I can to become a more effective coach.

I’m just nervous. This is the first year that I’m kinda in charge of UMBC Crew.

I just have so many ideas swirling in my brain. I’ve renamed drills that I’ve forgotten and given them names that are just plain silly but fitting (A drill that combines chop chop and finish to catch = Hydrolics/lowriders, it makes sense once you see it). I’m still looking for more ways to get people to sign up to row AND stay for more than one semester, but I’m sure I’ll find something after more researching.

I just want this year to be a success. I like it when this team succeeds.