Last Saturday, I kept seeing bright flashes of light from my left eye. The first few times didn’t really bother me, since I was both watching My Hero Academia’s Season 3 finale and playing Overwatch at the same time. I thought all the flashing lights from the screens might have just overloaded my eyes for a bit, like when you look at the sun too long as a kid and you see a glowing dot in your vision for the next couple of minutes.
But then it happened again, hours after I stopped playing or watching. In the dim light of the hallway at night, the same flashes of light, bright like stars, twinkled in my left eye.
Diabetic Retinopathy was one of the things my endocrinologist explained to me last year when they found that my uncontrolled A1C levels reached 8.9. These flashes of light in my eye were one of the symptoms. Fortunately, it’s been a couple of days since the last time I saw a flash, but I’m still a little spooked. I’m visiting my eye doctor in a couple of weeks, so I’m hoping he’ll have some answers for me.
I just can’t envision (HA! See? This isn’t all just gloomy stuff) myself without eyesight. I’m strangely proud of these eyeballs. I literally have perfect vision. Thanks to my training as a coxswain, I can determine a friend’s identity from half a mile away, even if they’re facing away from me.
But I know too well what it can do. I saw it in the ER. People who have lost their eyesight on one or both eyes. Cataracts and glaucoma were far too common among the elderly diabetics I’ve taken care of. It’s so difficult to watch because I can see a possible future for me as I look at them. That could be me in a couple of decades. I know there are surgeries and procedures, but sometimes those are just temporary defenses against the inevitable. My genes dictate that it will happen someday. Even when I’m taking care of myself now, my body is designed to eventually feel the effects of diabetes. The only thing I can do is push it back.
No… I’m not panicking. Not yet. It’s too early for that. I’m young-ish, so I can still fight back.
I try to imagine what it would feel like when I do lose my eyesight. While I will miss the skills my eyes have perfected over the years, I probably will regret it when I’m facing something new and I can’t register the image into my brain. I’ll have to use my other senses.
I’m starting to realize why some people travel. I used to think that looking at a picture of a nice place or landmark would be enough for me. But after seeing Sam Smith live and watching the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean this summer, my cynical perspective began to erode.
A picture isn’t enough. A video isn’t enough. It won’t be enough. I need to experience it with all my senses. Once the darkness consumes my eyes (too dramatic?), I’ll have a memory of it in my head. It’s not great, but it’s the best gift I can give my future self.
Now, I just have to get my butt out of the house and experience literally everything.
I’m so good at setting realistic goals.
In Two, Power Ten 