Straight Crush

Nooooo no no!
We’re not doing this again!
I’m not signing up for weeks
(WEEKS, may I remind you?)
Of half-assed Shakespearean-esque soliloquies
While you look at yourself in the mirror
And cry.

I don’t care if he’s tall
And has a goatee
And talks with a Southern twang in his accent.
(Damn, he’s really cute though.)

ARE YOU SLOW? (Sometimes, I wonder.)

And no, don’t say that “Oh but he seems like
He could be in the closet” nonsense.
Your GAYDAR can’t detect horseshit
Even if you’re BATHING
In it.

I mean,
I get it.
(Duh, I’m you.)
Your type of guy just happens to like
A lot of things that straight guys like.
Like video games.
And cargo shorts.
And flip flops (That’s a straight guy thing, right?)

Except girls. You don’t like girls.
But they do.
See how that’s a big problem?

So don’t put your heart and dick in your sleeves.
You know you’re gonna hurt yourself again if you do.
Just forget about him.
Find a new hobby
Move to a new state.
That way, no one gets hurt.
No one gets…
No one…

You already fell for him,
didn’t you?


The Basketball Player

We had a class together this summer. He sat all the way in the front of the class, and I sat all the way in the back. This seems to be a common theme. This semester we have another class together and I sit all the way in the back and because he gets to class right on time, the only seat left is right in front of me.

I don’t just see him on Tuesdays and Thursdays during that class, oh no. He’s also an intern for the athletics department this semester like me, and I see him during games that we both volunteer for. I see him more often than my friends.

But we never talk. I run away from people I have a crush on. Even though he’s 6’8, he seems to shy away from people. Even when he talks to someone around him (a rare sight to behold) it’s just a low mumble at the lowest limits of what humans can hear. He has a permanent frown on his small lips, making him perpetually sad when you see him. It just makes him cuter.

It’s just a crush. Crushes come and go, I’ve come to understand that. Even if he was gay, I knew he was way out of my league. On the first day of this semester, he sat in front of me in class and at first I thought he sat there because all the other seats were taken (they were, its the last open seat). As soon as he was settled in his seat he turned to his right and held the hand of the girl that sat next to him. So now there’s 2 legitimate reasons to not pursue him.

Yesterday we both volunteered to work for the Men’s soccer game. At the end of the game, as I was putting away all the camera equipment, I hear a low rumbling voice behind me. I almost didn’t hear it because the winds were howling on top of that hill.

“Hey Paulo.” The voice said again, this time a little louder.

I turned and saw him standing outside the black and yellow canopy. He ducked his head so he could see me. His white Under Armour polo glowed under the moonlight.

“Need help?” He asked in the same unnaturally loud voice. He kept his gaze locked on to mine for a while before looking at the ground.

I smiled. “I do. Thank you.” We both worked in silence, but it wasn’t awkward. We thrived in that environment. He was a man of a few words, and I was content to just have the honor of working with someone cool like him.

Okay, so we finally talked for the first time. My next goal is to make him laugh at my crappy jokes.

Advanced Torture

alarm goes off. I turn it off and glare at my phone. I get up and go to the bathroom. I sit down on the toilet. I look through Facebook. Cool, a new friend request and a message.

Oh, it’s from that guy I’ve always had a crush on. Let’s call him Kyle. This was one of those Grade A crushes where you stumble and fumble and klutz your way through everything when you’re near them. And no matter what happened, even if you spilled coffee on yourself they just look at you and smiled back.

So of course I’m gonna add him. That’s like a free way to stalk him for pictures… I mean… Network… Pictures.  I pressed Accept on the request and looked at the message. Oh, it’s from Kyle too. So this wasn’t just a random drunken accident that he wanted to be friends on Facebook, at least.

“Paulo!” He begins with such unfounded familiarity. We’ve never actually had a conversation. All he did was smile and laugh and all I did was fall and stumble.

“I don’t know if you remember me….” Oh believe me, I can’t ever forget someone like him. He was slightly taller than I was, which made his devilishly handsome face even more attractive to me. His skin was pale but I could tell he had Latin roots. Or Italian? He had some hair on his body, that’s what I’m basing off my prediction.

“I had always been interested in Crew…” Wait.. what’s going on…?

“What’s like the time commitment…?” NO! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! And he also just used “like” as a filler word during a digital conversation and I feel slightly less attracted to him but he’s still good. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING NOW.

“Looking forward to hear from you ~ Kyle”

Is this truly what you’re giving me, Jesus? I thought you were an honest, kind, gentle deity of a monotheistic religion? I’ve already given up on crew, the one thing in the whole world that actually made me feel like I was making a difference in people’s lives. I gave it up by having it pried from my broke ass hands.

And now one of the hottest guys who has ever even looked at me is asking if he can join the team. This is a new level of torture to the soul.

Spongebob would agree with me on this one.

This isn’t your average everyday torture.

This is… Advanced Torture.