alarm goes off. I turn it off and glare at my phone. I get up and go to the bathroom. I sit down on the toilet. I look through Facebook. Cool, a new friend request and a message.
Oh, it’s from that guy I’ve always had a crush on. Let’s call him Kyle. This was one of those Grade A crushes where you stumble and fumble and klutz your way through everything when you’re near them. And no matter what happened, even if you spilled coffee on yourself they just look at you and smiled back.
So of course I’m gonna add him. That’s like a free way to stalk him for pictures… I mean… Network… Pictures. I pressed Accept on the request and looked at the message. Oh, it’s from Kyle too. So this wasn’t just a random drunken accident that he wanted to be friends on Facebook, at least.
“Paulo!” He begins with such unfounded familiarity. We’ve never actually had a conversation. All he did was smile and laugh and all I did was fall and stumble.
“I don’t know if you remember me….” Oh believe me, I can’t ever forget someone like him. He was slightly taller than I was, which made his devilishly handsome face even more attractive to me. His skin was pale but I could tell he had Latin roots. Or Italian? He had some hair on his body, that’s what I’m basing off my prediction.
“I had always been interested in Crew…” Wait.. what’s going on…?
“What’s like the time commitment…?” NO! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! And he also just used “like” as a filler word during a digital conversation and I feel slightly less attracted to him but he’s still good. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING NOW.
“Looking forward to hear from you ~ Kyle”
Is this truly what you’re giving me, Jesus? I thought you were an honest, kind, gentle deity of a monotheistic religion? I’ve already given up on crew, the one thing in the whole world that actually made me feel like I was making a difference in people’s lives. I gave it up by having it pried from my broke ass hands.
And now one of the hottest guys who has ever even looked at me is asking if he can join the team. This is a new level of torture to the soul.
Spongebob would agree with me on this one.
This isn’t your average everyday torture.
This is… Advanced Torture.